DC Asylum presents “Executive Orders Solve Everything”

(Nancy):  Your Presidency… you told us the American people didn’t care about process…

(Obama):  And they don’t…trust me.

(Nancy):  Well, it seems they are VERY interested in one part of the process

(Obama):  And what would that be?

(Nancy):  Article One, Section Four, Clause One

(Obama):  And what would that be?

(Nancy):  Your Presidency – you mock me – we both know I am refering to the mandate that federal elections occur on Tuesday after the first Monday in November…

(Obama):  November…No-vember… NO-vember….sounds like a month named after Republicans, doesn’t it.

(Nancy):  Your Presidency – what are we going to do?  We can’t afford to loose the House – we still have so much more to take over..I mean, take on..

(Obama):  Here you go Nancy… let me sign this Executive Order – your problems are solved.

(Nancy) I don’t understand…

(Obama):  It’s easy – by Executive Order, I decree all calenders to now only contain 11 months.  We just drop November.

Just remember folks – after the French Revolution, they redesigned the entire calender.  In fact, so have a number of other “Revolutions”.   So why would this be any different?



DC Asylum presents (H.G. Wells “Time Machine”, starring Snow-Bama

(Fade in …)

(Commentator):  During last week’s episode of H.G Wells “Time Machine”, our hero Barack and his trusty side-kick went back to the turn of the century to make things right

(Barack):  Well Joe, we did a good job of saving convincing the President he needed to save the makers of the Horse Saddle from going out of business

(Joe):  Yeah – and it only cost 3 billion dollars

(Barack):  Cost isn’t important Joe…what’s important is making sure the saddle makers don’t go out of business…. it would be devastating to the economy.

(Joe): Yeah – damn those horse-less carriages.  Don’t they know those things are going to be bad for the environment?

(Barack):  Well Joe.. our work here is done…but our real work is never done!

(Joe): Yeah – so we are we going now?

(Barack):  We’re going to jump forward in time a little bit… seems the Propellor Makers are going to go out of business and we have to save them as well.

(Joe): Yeah – damn those jet engines – don’t they know those are bad for the environment?

(Commentator):  Join us next week as we continue on with the adventures of Barack and Joe – Saving everyone, because… they deem it necessary!



DC Asylum Presents “Redistribution of the GPA”

I seem to remember Snowbama touting how he was once a professor.  I wonder if we looked, would we have found subtle clues as to what he had in mind for the American economy…

Student:  Uhm… Professor Obama…. I was wondering if I could ask about the grade you gave me….

Professor:  Yes… what about it?

Student:  Well, every paper I’ve written, you’ve given it the highest marks, and I’ve never scored less than a 96 on any of your tests…

Professor:  True, you are one of the hardest working students in any of my classes.  What’s the problem?

Student:  I don’t understand why my transcripts only show a 3.4.  I don’t understand.

Professor:  I just want to be fair.

Student:  But why isn’t my GPA equal to my test scores?

Professor:  Well, as you know… Bubba has been struggling with the class, and he was in danger of failing out.  In fact, he only had a 1.1 GPA, and he needs a 2.5 to be able to maintain his sports scholarship.

Student:  But professor, I work hard for my grades.  Bubba…he doesn’t study at all.  He just hangs out at the gym.

Professor:  Now, there you go, stereotyping the less fortunate.  All I’m trying to do is level the playing field.

Student:  But professor Obama, I study 6 hours a day.  Every day!

Professor:  Oh, Glenn… you’re not taking into account how many opportunities you’ve had given to you.  You have all the advantages.  And even after I take some of your GPA and give it to Bubba, you will still be far ahead of him.  No, this is the fair thing to do.

Student:  But this is my grade.  I shouldn’t have to give up my hard work!

Professor:  That’s where you’re wrong.   The grade is mine to give – you haven’t “earned” anything.  You’ve just been able to benefit from all the advantages given to you.

Student:  I want my grade back!

Professor:  No Glenn….I was elected Presi…Professor.  That says all that needs to be said.

Well, I wonder how long the student is going to keep studying as hard as she did before.  Or worse… will she still continue to even stay in this school?  And what’s to say Bubba isn’t going to need “more” help come next year.  After all, why study, when the Professor is there to play nanny, all the way through school?



DC Asylum presents “Austra-who?”

(Gibbs):  Your Presidency, I’m so excited about our trip to Australia – I’m even practicing my accent for their press corp.

(Barack):  About that trip – I haven’t gotten around to telling the Prime Minister yet, but I’m going to be busy here.  So, I’m going to need you to pass that on this morning when you do your press brief.

(Gibbs): But Your Presidency – this is one of our allies, it’s just not heard of to cancel a state trip.

(Barrack):  And?  Oh I’m sure he’ll understand.

(Gibbs):  I…I don’t even know what to say…

(Barrack):  Look … I won the election so I get to write the rules.   Did the Prime Minister of Austria win the Nobel Peace Prize.

(Gibbs):  Australia.

(Barrack):  whatever, same thing.

(Gibbs):  What am I supposed to say?

(Barrack):  Tell him I can’t leave my country in its time of need … especially after such a horendous disaster.

(Gibbs):  What disaster would that be, Your Presidency?

(Barrack):  The earthquake which struck Hawaii – damn Gibbs, don’t you watch me on the news?

Seriously folks – the desperation is starting to show.  I’m afraid if it meant a guarantee for passing his legislation, he would probably sell Alaska back to Russia.  While I’m thinking about it – he might see that as a way of neutralizing Sarah.



DC Assylum presents “Deemed-ocrats”

(Gibbs):  The President is happy to accept the people’s mandate that he serve a second term.

(Reporter): But it’s only 2010, there are still 2 more years before the general elections!

(Gibbs):  Glenn, Glenn… didn’t you watch His Presidency on Fox last night?

(Reporter):  Yes – a lot of us watched the interview

(Gibbs):  Did he not make it abundantly clear … he’s not interested in “process”… and neither are the American people.

(Reporter): But the elections … what about the elections?

(Gibbs):  His Presidency has deemed it in the best interest of the American People that the election be decided today.  And, he is sure the American people would agree with him.

Well folks, when we “deem” on one issue, how much longer before “deem” is better than “vote”?  If you can do it once, why not again?  If you can take over 1/6th of the economy, why not jo after something a little more lucrative next time?



DC Asylum presents “We gotta stop Clarence Thomas”

(Gibbs):  Uh, it is has come to our attention that Virginia Thomas has joined the Tea Party movement.

(Reporter):  And who is she?

(Gibbs):  Why, she is the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas

(Reporter): And this is a problem because….?

(Gibbs): Can’t you see it?  If there are any cases before the court in which Glenn Beck doesn’t agree with, he will only simply have to give marching orders, and she will influence the court.

(Reporter):  Exactly how will she do something like that?

(Gibbs):  She can burn his toast in the morning, or worse, she can order him to sleep on the couch.

(Reporter): But she’s only the wife – isn’t this an over reaction?

(Gibbs):  Oh no – this is exactly what Rush Limbaugh wants you to think.   But this is dangerous to the Constitution!  The wife of such a powerful position should definitely stay silent, and have no role in her husband’s duties.

(Reporter):  Then help me out… what’s the difference with Michelle?  And why does she have 24 Federally paid secretaries?

(Gibbs):  That’s different

(Reporter):  How so?

(Obama):  I won – I’m the President.

DC Asylum presents “Inventing the Wheel”

(Gibbs):  The President has decided there are tremendous gaps in the potential of the wheel.

(Reporter):  Such as?

(Gibbs):  For starters – it only has one side

(Reporter):  And this is a problem??

(Gibbs):  Most definitely – This promotes exclusivity, which is detrimental to uniting this country.

(Reporter):  What does he propose to do/

(Gibbs):  It is under consideration – Reid wants a Four Side Wheel as a model of the Square Deal all Americans want, and Nancy wants a three sided wheel, as a symbol of supporting same-sex marriages.

Well Folks, once again, we see how our elected officials are good at finding problems which never existed, and even better at developing solutions which are more symbolic than they are practical.