DC Asylum – Obama’s Formula for Stimulus Package Distribution

787 Billion dollars – how to divy that up?  It was keeping Snow-Bama up at night, until he finally was able to scribble out a simple formula.

Stimulus – DIVIDED by 50 states equals One Portion each.

Further more….

A) if Republican, decrease portion by 40% (call this the Fillibuster Penalty)

B) if Democrat, increase portion by 60% (call this “Super-Majority Bonus)

C) if Democrat and facing strong challenger in 2010, then double the portion (call this “Emergency Disaster Relief”)

D) if state is one of the top five electorate states, then take 50% from lowest ten electorate states (Call this Redistribution)

Note – if anyone points out the results of the math greatly exceeds the original amount, tell them they are using “Obstructionist Math”.  If this does not silence the critic, then try any one of the following: 1) ignore, 2) change the subject, 3) Blame your predecessor, 4) describe the argument as racist.  (Special Bonus Czar Appointment if you can use all 4 in the same sound bite on MSM).

Old-Man-Tex

DC Asylum presents “The Rose Garden Tears”

News Anchor:  We interrupt today’s broadcast to take you to the White House Rose Garden

President:  Today, we face a crisis of unprecedented proportion – today there are 45 million Americans who are without home ownership and are forced to live as rentors.

(Camera scan of Nancy and Biden shaking their heads)

President:  Let me introduce you to Sarah Lee Whiney, a mother of two, who has to live in a 1,000 square foot, 2 room apartment.  Not only is there only one bathroom which needs to be shared, her children lack any fundamental privacy.

(Camera shot of Sarah, wiping copious amounts of tears from her face)

President:  My friend Sarah represents the true picture of America, where families are forced to spend upwards of 25% of their pay check for rent.  And live one rent increase away from being evicted.

(Camera shot of Sarah, face buried in her hands)

President:  Our Founding Fathers set out to create a society in which every person would be guaranteed the pursuit of hapiness.   But today, we have major corporations such as ACME Rentals, who are more interested in protecting their profits and issuing outlandish bonuses.

(Camera cut shows Nancy bobbing her head uncontrollably)

President:  Furthermore, the American worker, the engine which drives the success of the business throughout America, is struggling at the end of the day, with no housing allowance coverage from their employer.

(Camera shot of Biden looking at his watch)

President:  Now, let me be clear, my administration will not sit idely while so many in America are being deprived of this fundamental Constitutional right

(Change the channel & look to see what the Dow Jones is doing)

Yes, there are a lot of things every America needs in order to survive and thrive – Health care, housing, food, transportation, higher education… and with each of these, no only are these not being covered by the employer, but someone in America is actually making a profit.

What an oppressive and uncaring society we live in.

Old-Man-Tex